How much to know?

When I was diagnosed with Cancer the only thing I wanted to know was "Is this going to kill me?" Thankfully the answer was no, my Cancer was caught early and very treatable. A few months on and after the roller coaster of tests and treatment has calmed down I have found myself thinking more and more about my prognosis.

Having spoken to many people about their experiences I find it very interesting the huge differences in what people want to know about their illness. For example my Husband, when he was diagnosed it was already a terminal illness and he made it very clear that he did not want to know how long he had left to live or how much "extra time" any treatment would give him. I had an idea but we never discussed it and in hindsight him knowing would not have made any difference, unfortunately my Husband never had the chance to have any treatment as he was just too poorly and passed away before he had chance to fight, which he was so adamant that he was going to do, which broke another piece of my heart.

I guess the truth is that more often than not when you have something like Cancer its easy to scare yourself into thinking that the Cancer will be the thing that kills you, when in reality there are a whole bunch of other things that could finish you off - it might be a morbid thing to say but it also happens to be true, there is always a possibility I could get hit by a Bus tomorrow so Cancer be buggered!

Well, I wish it was that simple not to worry but that is now my dilemma. Statistically yes I have a higher chance now of getting Cancer again in the future so how do I cope with that? What can I do or ask to get to a point where I can live without it being a huge elephant in the room?

At the moment I am discussing things with my oncologist about my further treatment beyond the Chemo, but then I have to try and balance that with the fact that I want my life back, I want to travel to work to go out for a beer to have a boyfriend all these things that people take for granted...just to feel normal. But like I said the more I worry the more I may have a tendency to put myself through harsher treatments to prevent the Cancer returning so all of that would have to wait again!

Its a horrible feeling right now to be so unsure what to do, there are no guarantees here and I know that, if the Cancer is going to come back it will, and I will just have to deal with it. Then on the other hand I want to give myself the best chance......its all based on research and statistics and I am finding the total uncertainty hard to cope with.

In the end I will do what is best for me and make my peace with what has happened to me and all of the implications it has, but for now I just have to remember that nothing is written and that no matter what I do life is a huge leap of faith and I just want to enjoy the ride.......

Fears

When someone asks you what you are afraid of what do you say?  Heights, Spiders or any number of irrational things?  I am no different, if I was asked I would say Flying, Zombies and Spiders.  However I say I'm scared of these things but I have flown all over the world - admittedly I am not the best person to travel with on a plane and I do believe it is the collective will of the people on board that keep it in the air, but nevertheless I still do it.  Zombies - completely irrational as Ive never met one (and hope never to meet one).  Spiders - would never touch one but will rescue them and put them outside.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that we are braver than we think because I think its things we don't admit to or even think about in some cases that are really frightening.  For example why when I am asked what I am frightened of don't I say bereavement/loss, serious illness or being alone?  Maybe its because we expose ourselves to things like this without even thinking about it, we do it by loving someone.  Be it family, friends or partners we risk huge heartbreak everyday because no-one knows when their time will come or if they will get ill, it is not something you can screen for before you agree to love someone so you don't get hurt.  But would you change it if you could?  If I had a time machine and could go back and not get together with my Husband knowing what I know now would I do it?  The answer will always be no.  I would never give up the time I had with him, even though losing him broke my heart into a million pieces.

Now I think my biggest fear is being alone, I am hopeful that it will not be the case but this fear is linked to the others, in that because of my illness will anyone want me? and even if they do can I overcome the fear of loss to take the plunge?  I know that now is not really the right time as I have to put my energy into getting well but sometimes I feel....broken, and honestly who will want someone with all these problems to deal with?   I know I shouldn't think like that but sometimes I do....

I recently had my palm read and was told that I feared loss and that this fear was linked to my last relationship...spot on really!  But I have to face this fear because if I ever meet someone I have to be willing to love completely and not hold back to stop myself getting hurt again, and although it makes me feel sick to think I could be in this position again, I know it is something I have to do because at the end of the day.... what is life without love?