So, I'm nearly done with Chemo and my hair is back - I still look like a tennis ball as its very short but I could now go without my wig. The problem is I can't seem to take the step of giving it up.
It seems silly to me that getting back to normality could cause me such angst, but I guess its more peoples reactions that I'm worried about - which really isn't like me at all. Being so short I know people will look at my hair and probably think to themselves "Hmmmm Cancer" and I don't want to be treated any differently because of that. And lets face it - my hair like this - not a fashion statement!
I think my reluctance to let the wig go is because before I lost it all I had really long hair to hide behind and my wig affords me the same option! It's a confidence thing too - although short hair does suit me I just feel....well naked without my mane!
I'm sure a lot of the women who lose their hair through chemo or other reasons go through this but I wasn't expecting to be so bothered by it, it's just hair for God's sake! Why should I care what anyone thinks? It will grow back properly soon enough!
So now the question is.....when will I be brave enough to lose the wig? I will be going out for lunch with some friends in a few days...should I just take the plunge? I will keep you posted!!
Sunday 29 January 2012
Tuesday 17 January 2012
How do they see me now?
Over the last few months I have been called lots of things, inspiring, amazing, wonderful and even a hero. These very generous comments have come from family, friends and more often than not strangers. But I have to say as flattering as these comments are, I don't believe the hype. I am honoured to be able to raise awareness for Breast Cancer and other issues and will help anyone in any way I can but I don't see myself as anything special....I'm just me.
It does make me wonder though how other people in my life really see me now? Am I still the same Zoe as I was before all the body blows life has dealt me or am I someone different? I find it interesting now that after what I've been through some people want to keep me close while others want to push me away - I think this comes down to fear & how you react when someone you know has a life threatening illness - do you keep them close & relish your time with them or do you push them away because if something went wrong and you did lose them, could you cope?
I think generally my friends and family that have been around me during my treatment are relieved that I have been quite lucky in that I have not had any major traumas or been very very ill. There has only been one point where my Mom has said that I did look very poorly and that did scare her so all in all I think we have done OK!! I know that my parents have found this hard but my relationship with them is all the stronger for it - I try to be mindful that although I am the one who is sick they have had to face the prospect that they could lose me - I remember vividly the horror on my Mothers face when my Consultant said "you should live for another 10 years" - at 34 its not exactly much time!
Relationships during a time like this are always changing because the situation is, I think I try my best not to moan & to just get on with it but its always amazing to have support from family and friends and I hope that they know just how much I love and appreciate them and always will.
It does make me wonder though how other people in my life really see me now? Am I still the same Zoe as I was before all the body blows life has dealt me or am I someone different? I find it interesting now that after what I've been through some people want to keep me close while others want to push me away - I think this comes down to fear & how you react when someone you know has a life threatening illness - do you keep them close & relish your time with them or do you push them away because if something went wrong and you did lose them, could you cope?
I think generally my friends and family that have been around me during my treatment are relieved that I have been quite lucky in that I have not had any major traumas or been very very ill. There has only been one point where my Mom has said that I did look very poorly and that did scare her so all in all I think we have done OK!! I know that my parents have found this hard but my relationship with them is all the stronger for it - I try to be mindful that although I am the one who is sick they have had to face the prospect that they could lose me - I remember vividly the horror on my Mothers face when my Consultant said "you should live for another 10 years" - at 34 its not exactly much time!
Relationships during a time like this are always changing because the situation is, I think I try my best not to moan & to just get on with it but its always amazing to have support from family and friends and I hope that they know just how much I love and appreciate them and always will.
Wednesday 11 January 2012
Help Wanted
When my Husband passed away from Lung Cancer I was, well there is not really a word I can use that would do the feelings of loss, devestation and sorrow justice. I was contacted a few days after by St Giles Hospice that would have provided Palliative Care to my Husband (if he had survived to that point) asking if I wanted to speak to one of their Councillors (free of charge of course as St Giles are a Charity) - I didn't - it was all too raw at that point so I declined the offer.
A few weeks later whilst sitting on the arm of my sofa, alone in the flat I shared with my Husband and sobbing like a baby I had what some Alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity - I was not going to make it through this alone. And by that I am not saying I had no support, I did, friends and family were amazing, but the trauma of losing my husband so young and so fast left me wanting to talk about things that I couldn't with people I knew. It is very hard to talk to someone you know sometimes as they get upset or don't know how to react, or just can't cope with the feelings someone in my position had, and lets face it the people that knew my Husband had their own grief to cope with aswell.
After my moment I called and arranged a meeting with the Hospice's Department Head for the Councelling and we talked about what had happened, she then assigned me a Councillor. I don't think it would be a lie to say I would not have made it throught the next year without her help. I had some extremely low times and did briefly contemplate ending it all as the pain was too much to bear. I had sessions where all I could do was cry or not say much at all - but that was ok, someone was listening and understanding and could speak to me from a place where they were not emotionally involved, although it must be terribly hard to deal with some of the things widowed people talk about.
My Councillor helped me start remembering the fun times my Husband and I had as all I could think of at first was him being terribly ill and losing him. But it was all the other things that comes with being Widowed too, I had to move out of our flat, the place we were happy, the place where we got married, it was heartbreaking to leave. I also couldn't face going back to work as that was where we met and where he came to do work - I remember one Valentines day getting in to work and he had already been in and left a Red Rose and a "Love Monkey" toy sat on my desk :-)
Losing someone you love changes your whole life and had I not had the support I did the outcome might have been very different indeed. I owe a lot to my Councillor and will never forget the help and advice she gave me.
Just to clarify for you, I didn't ever ask for help in my life, I always thought I was strong enough to cope with anything life threw at me alone, so to do what I did by asking for help from St Giles for me at first made me feel weak and needy - but I am here to tell you, don't ever think that, asking for help when you need it is sometimes the bravest thing you can do.
A few weeks later whilst sitting on the arm of my sofa, alone in the flat I shared with my Husband and sobbing like a baby I had what some Alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity - I was not going to make it through this alone. And by that I am not saying I had no support, I did, friends and family were amazing, but the trauma of losing my husband so young and so fast left me wanting to talk about things that I couldn't with people I knew. It is very hard to talk to someone you know sometimes as they get upset or don't know how to react, or just can't cope with the feelings someone in my position had, and lets face it the people that knew my Husband had their own grief to cope with aswell.
After my moment I called and arranged a meeting with the Hospice's Department Head for the Councelling and we talked about what had happened, she then assigned me a Councillor. I don't think it would be a lie to say I would not have made it throught the next year without her help. I had some extremely low times and did briefly contemplate ending it all as the pain was too much to bear. I had sessions where all I could do was cry or not say much at all - but that was ok, someone was listening and understanding and could speak to me from a place where they were not emotionally involved, although it must be terribly hard to deal with some of the things widowed people talk about.
My Councillor helped me start remembering the fun times my Husband and I had as all I could think of at first was him being terribly ill and losing him. But it was all the other things that comes with being Widowed too, I had to move out of our flat, the place we were happy, the place where we got married, it was heartbreaking to leave. I also couldn't face going back to work as that was where we met and where he came to do work - I remember one Valentines day getting in to work and he had already been in and left a Red Rose and a "Love Monkey" toy sat on my desk :-)
Losing someone you love changes your whole life and had I not had the support I did the outcome might have been very different indeed. I owe a lot to my Councillor and will never forget the help and advice she gave me.
Just to clarify for you, I didn't ever ask for help in my life, I always thought I was strong enough to cope with anything life threw at me alone, so to do what I did by asking for help from St Giles for me at first made me feel weak and needy - but I am here to tell you, don't ever think that, asking for help when you need it is sometimes the bravest thing you can do.
Tuesday 3 January 2012
The Fear
I hope Erin does not mind but I am stealing her Blog title after reading it as I think it is definitely a subject worth talking about!
Being close to the end of my treatment I find myself worrying more and more about my Cancer returning in one way or another. I just feel that in the past 8 months I have been through a lot and thinking about my treatment finishing makes me a little teary as I will be so glad its over. The Fear however gets worse as this approaches - what if it does come back? I'm not sure I would have the strength either physically or mentally to do this all again. And what if I did find something that needed to be investigated, would I tell anyone? Would I want to put anyone through that?
When I originally found my lump I did not tell anyone, I did all of the appointments alone, I did question my decision at the time but I guess like anyone in that position you always hope it will be nothing so there will be nothing to tell. However when it is something telling people is hard - especially when like me you have kept it all secret, I felt terrible when I told my parents, I literally came home from the hospital after being told myself and dropped this bombshell on them - in hindsight I am still not sure I did the right thing.
I guess if my Husband was here I would have told people as it would have been much harder to keep it secret, but now if I found something would I tell? I'm still not sure.
The Fear sits at the back of my mind all the time and I will have to learn to deal with it, but that's hard when you are constantly at odds with your own body - every twinge or pain comes with a side of dread that something is wrong and checking my boobs now is an ordeal in itself that comes with a hefty sigh of relief that so far nothing else has appeared.
I suppose in time I will make peace with my body again and in a way that will help me deal with The Fear as I will again get used to what is normal for me and know when something is amiss.
The psychological effects of having Cancer I don't think will ever go away, and I hope that in time The Fear will become less of a feature in my mind - as with anything it will take time to make my peace with the fact that my Cancer could come back, but one thing I know is that if it did I have amazing family and friends to help me through, I couldn't ask for any better.
Being close to the end of my treatment I find myself worrying more and more about my Cancer returning in one way or another. I just feel that in the past 8 months I have been through a lot and thinking about my treatment finishing makes me a little teary as I will be so glad its over. The Fear however gets worse as this approaches - what if it does come back? I'm not sure I would have the strength either physically or mentally to do this all again. And what if I did find something that needed to be investigated, would I tell anyone? Would I want to put anyone through that?
When I originally found my lump I did not tell anyone, I did all of the appointments alone, I did question my decision at the time but I guess like anyone in that position you always hope it will be nothing so there will be nothing to tell. However when it is something telling people is hard - especially when like me you have kept it all secret, I felt terrible when I told my parents, I literally came home from the hospital after being told myself and dropped this bombshell on them - in hindsight I am still not sure I did the right thing.
I guess if my Husband was here I would have told people as it would have been much harder to keep it secret, but now if I found something would I tell? I'm still not sure.
The Fear sits at the back of my mind all the time and I will have to learn to deal with it, but that's hard when you are constantly at odds with your own body - every twinge or pain comes with a side of dread that something is wrong and checking my boobs now is an ordeal in itself that comes with a hefty sigh of relief that so far nothing else has appeared.
I suppose in time I will make peace with my body again and in a way that will help me deal with The Fear as I will again get used to what is normal for me and know when something is amiss.
The psychological effects of having Cancer I don't think will ever go away, and I hope that in time The Fear will become less of a feature in my mind - as with anything it will take time to make my peace with the fact that my Cancer could come back, but one thing I know is that if it did I have amazing family and friends to help me through, I couldn't ask for any better.
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