Monday 15 June 2015
What If?
Saturday 28 February 2015
Feeling low...and unattractive...and useless......
Have been feeling very low and weepy lately, I was chatting with someone about blokes and it suddenly dawned on me that no-one fancies me any more - or at least that's how it feels.
Physically I am feeling so rubbish - I'm sick of taking tablets, sick of everything hurting, sick of scars, sick of having things wrong that have been exacerbated by the effects of Cancer.
Don't misunderstand - I am in a relationship now but I did used to have attention from other blokes - I wasn't bothered about that - sometimes it was just a nice ego boost to know that someone thinks you are a bit of alright!
These days I kind of feel like a ghost, people look through me, its like I have no substance nothing to make them want to smile or flirt or say something that makes me feel good about myself - its quite upsetting to realise this is happening, I don't actually remember the last time I felt attractive.
For example now if a bloke ever happens to glance at my chest (which I don't remember happening for a while) I worry its because they can see scars or maybe notice a difference because of the surgery. To be perfectly frank its fucking depressing as hell.
No matter what, even when I make an effort I just seem to be invisible - I know it probably seems really superficial to be saying all this but having lost all of my confidence it is just another issue to deal with -a very real and upsetting one.
I wish I knew that there was one person out there that does not view me as a dried up old hag, because that it seriously how I feel right now, I know women are not supposed to care how men view them and blah blah blah but I love how it feels when a man pays me a compliment or makes me feel just a bit special - so fucking sue me!
Having issues with how you look is nothing new for women to deal with, its all around us every bloody day. For me having what little confidence I did have taken away is getting to be a real issue. My other half's best friend told me that as long as I am confident being myself and happy then what does it matter, but I'm not feeling either...just low and wanting to cry a lot and then for good measure feeling guilty about feeling like this because I know some people have it so much worse.
I can't win in my own head at the moment..I am not fishing for complements I just need to get these feelings off my chest, I keep so much of the crazy in, sometimes I just have to let a little out to stop myself going mad.
Sometimes I wish I was a man.......
Physically I am feeling so rubbish - I'm sick of taking tablets, sick of everything hurting, sick of scars, sick of having things wrong that have been exacerbated by the effects of Cancer.
Don't misunderstand - I am in a relationship now but I did used to have attention from other blokes - I wasn't bothered about that - sometimes it was just a nice ego boost to know that someone thinks you are a bit of alright!
These days I kind of feel like a ghost, people look through me, its like I have no substance nothing to make them want to smile or flirt or say something that makes me feel good about myself - its quite upsetting to realise this is happening, I don't actually remember the last time I felt attractive.
For example now if a bloke ever happens to glance at my chest (which I don't remember happening for a while) I worry its because they can see scars or maybe notice a difference because of the surgery. To be perfectly frank its fucking depressing as hell.
No matter what, even when I make an effort I just seem to be invisible - I know it probably seems really superficial to be saying all this but having lost all of my confidence it is just another issue to deal with -a very real and upsetting one.
I wish I knew that there was one person out there that does not view me as a dried up old hag, because that it seriously how I feel right now, I know women are not supposed to care how men view them and blah blah blah but I love how it feels when a man pays me a compliment or makes me feel just a bit special - so fucking sue me!
Having issues with how you look is nothing new for women to deal with, its all around us every bloody day. For me having what little confidence I did have taken away is getting to be a real issue. My other half's best friend told me that as long as I am confident being myself and happy then what does it matter, but I'm not feeling either...just low and wanting to cry a lot and then for good measure feeling guilty about feeling like this because I know some people have it so much worse.
I can't win in my own head at the moment..I am not fishing for complements I just need to get these feelings off my chest, I keep so much of the crazy in, sometimes I just have to let a little out to stop myself going mad.
Sometimes I wish I was a man.......
Wednesday 4 February 2015
F***ing Cancer!
Today is World Cancer Day, to do my bit I posted a picture of me giving Cancer the finger. Childish it might be but sometimes it all makes me so mad!
I do have times where I get so angry with the whole thing, and if I could take Cancer and turn it into a person I would love to lock it in a room with me, and a very sharp pencil.
It just causes such heartache, such suffering and such problems - these things never go away, even now every ache and pain can turn into a huge drama. I am nearly 3 years away from the end of treatment and have just now developed some weird condition on my affected side which they think is caused by my lymphatic system not working properly. The Doctors were quite interested...I however am not quite so excited by another new problem.
I see people newly diagnosed and with recurrences and it knocks me sick, people with children, good people that in no way deserve it and I wish WISH I could take it all away from them.
I don't do enough...I never feel like I am doing enough to help or raise awareness, I am involved in a project with the a Post Grad student from the University of Westminster which involved me appearing on film to talk about all of my experiences - I hope that when this film is released in whatever way that it does some good.
Cancer has affected my life for years...it will never stop affecting my life for one reason or another - there are millions of us and it just shouldn't be. How do we stop it? Will it end in my lifetime? I hope so, and as it is in life we must always have hope......
I do have times where I get so angry with the whole thing, and if I could take Cancer and turn it into a person I would love to lock it in a room with me, and a very sharp pencil.
It just causes such heartache, such suffering and such problems - these things never go away, even now every ache and pain can turn into a huge drama. I am nearly 3 years away from the end of treatment and have just now developed some weird condition on my affected side which they think is caused by my lymphatic system not working properly. The Doctors were quite interested...I however am not quite so excited by another new problem.
I see people newly diagnosed and with recurrences and it knocks me sick, people with children, good people that in no way deserve it and I wish WISH I could take it all away from them.
I don't do enough...I never feel like I am doing enough to help or raise awareness, I am involved in a project with the a Post Grad student from the University of Westminster which involved me appearing on film to talk about all of my experiences - I hope that when this film is released in whatever way that it does some good.
Cancer has affected my life for years...it will never stop affecting my life for one reason or another - there are millions of us and it just shouldn't be. How do we stop it? Will it end in my lifetime? I hope so, and as it is in life we must always have hope......
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